Sunday, June 23, 2013
Discernment
Reading “The Wounded Healer” by Henri Nouwen, I came across something that struck me spiritually. On page forty he brings to mind that “liturgy is much more than a ritual”. I cannot express how true that is to me personally. During the Eucharist I feel the Spirit move through me. I have a great need to share this immense feeling of great joy and peace. To share my experience of the Holy Spirit with others is my greatest joy. Having the ability to celebrate the Eucharist is something that over the last couple years has been burning in my soul. I have prayed in personal discernment to determine exactly what I feel is my calling in this direction. Many friends and family have expressed that I would make good Priest.
I have been very disturbed these last couple weeks that in my personal discernment process, my diocesan leaders feel that I am not ready and that I need a couple more years in leadership development before actively becoming a candidate in the discernment process. I have prayed a lot in these past couple weeks and have made a determination that I cannot continue in this process. There are some issues that I need to convey in my thinking on this matter. This decision has not come lightly to me and I wish to put these out there. I sincerely want your feedback on these items and pray for you to discern with me as well on my decision.
In a couple years I will be right at the cusp of 60 years old. I will still be working my current position that entails 45 – 60 hours each week to put bread on my family’s table. In order to show leadership in my community/congregation I will need to begin and conduct ongoing ministries that will take up additional hours of my time and energies. After a couple years of this, and if I get accepted into the discernment process proper, I will have to attend the Bishop’s School which will include online and classroom training in theology. I am not sure how many hours each week this will entail but it will be in addition to the 50 hours each week and my day job and probably 10 hours or so in my ministry work. The Bishop’s School will consume three additional years in which I will be reading, studying, praying, etc. At the end of this journey I will easily be pushing 65. I cannot begin to guess the physical and mental toll this will place on me as well as my family. My wife has been great through this process I have been in so far and I cannot put her through another five to six years. In addition to this, there is no guarantee that once I go through this half decade of discernment and study that I will even be ordained.
The hardest part of this writing is that I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never celebrate the Eucharist. I serve as a Lay Eucharistic Minister at my current church and that is the closest I will come to what I feel so passionate about. There are many in my Cursillo group that were very disappointed when I told them of the diocesan position as well as my own decision to personally remove myself from further consideration. There are many in my last congregation who were pulling for me knowing who I am and the passion I have for serving Christ. Living in Christ with them for 8 years I grew so much during that time. They will be sad at this news as well. I can only say to those who have prayed for me during this time that the people making the decisions regarding my entering the process must know me much better that my friends and church family. I sound very bitter but I am praying for that to eventually go away.
I must interject something here that has me the most upset about this entire process within the diocese. The chair of the Commission on Ordained Ministries had a discussion with my priest regarding my needing more leadership experience. She also expressed that she needed to speak with me. My priest spoke with my wife, regarding this decision as he felt she would be better able to tell me this decision than he could. I looked at my priest as a leader for me spiritually. Two weeks later, neither my priest not the chair of the Commission on Ordained Ministries has had a conversation with me. There are obviously some pastoral care issues that need to be worked on with “leaders” in the diocese. The people I looked to for guidance, are the ones that I feel have let me down the most.
I request everyone to continue to pray for me and Sandy as we continue to lend ourselves to grow in the body of Christ. We will continue to be leaders and examples of Christ in our lives as well as in our community. Thank you to everyone who has believed in me and prayed for me during the last couple years. God blesses you all, always.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
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