Open Mike : Beckham is a soccer snoozer

Open Mike : Beckham is a soccer snoozer

This guy should be paid $50.00 not $50,000,000.00
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It used to be that you had to do something to merit a lead story on the sports page. You know, win a game, contribute to a win, be involved in a big play, make a big error, strike out with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth. But then along came Michelle Wie, who had only to show up at a golf tournament to get the star treatment for doing nothing. And now we have her male equivalent, David Beckham.

He played the final 21 minutes Thursday night. That’s it. His team, the L.A. Galaxy, lost, 1-0. He kicked the ball a couple times, had a free kick. As near as I can tell from the story, that was pretty much it.

And it was a major headline.

Soccer fans are going to beat me up for this, and they’re welcome to do so, if that will help their insecurities. To them, I’m a yahoo who doesn’t understand the beautiful game, a loutish old flatus who won’t give soccer a chance.

Balderdash. I’ve been giving soccer more chances than Darryl Strawberry and Steve Howe had together for more than 30 years now. I went to a World Cup and found it highly entertaining, and I watched a lot of the last one, including all of the final. Good stuff.

But you’re never going to convince America that soccer has arrived simply because Posh Spice’s husband was able to run about the pitch for 21 minutes.

This is how the Associated Press chronicled his entry into the gane:

“The sellout crowd of 46,686 cheered when Beckham stripped off his warm-up jacket and T-shirt, displaying his bare chest in a steady rain as he prepared to enter. The three-time World Cup veteran, his hair closely cropped and stubble on his face, then put on his No. 23 jersey and replaced Quavas Kirk in the 72nd minute.”

What in the name of corner kicks is that all about? He can’t wear his jersey under his warm-up jacket? I should care whether he’s shaved or not? Is this a sport or a rock concert?

But wait, there’s an explanation: “Beckham’s appearance was the latest milestone in his move to the United States, a signing that has created unprecedented publicity for a league that hopes to elevate itself above niche status in a crowded sports landscape.”

Somebody throw some sawdust under that writer. He or she is starting to lose it.

I’m happy for American soccer. It’s a worthy sport and deserves its place in that crowded sports landscape. But sooner or later, Beckham, like Wie, is going to have to actually do something useful.

And the problem remains that he isn’t a guy who puts the ball in the net a lot. He’s a guy who sets up goals. I know that’s important, and I know how wonderfully he can bend the ball. But Americans who aren’t fans are going to turn to soccer games to see what all the hubbub is about, and they’re going to see fans cheering for a stubbly guy putting on his shirt, and shrieking with delight when he takes a corner kick. If the ball doesn’t go into the goal, those curious fans aren’t going to appreciate that kind of thing. They’ll just scratch their heads and
wonder what the heck all the fuss is about.

Beckham played! He took off his shirt! He kicked the ball! (Imagine anyone doing that in a soccer game.) Women swooned!

The Galaxy lost.

Call me when he does something. Meanwhile, I’ll go back to watching Michelle Wie missing cuts.